Shadows Yet Linger
by boredsvunut
Summary: Thane and Shepard, new in their relationship, discuss old loves who still linger. fem!ShepxThane.


Shepard watched Thane examine her quarters with a trained eye, almost as if he was looking for something.

He paused, glancing at the empty fishtank and then at her. She shrugged and reached to pour herself a glass of wine. "It was here when I moved in," she explained. "Never saw why I'd want fish as pets."

"Yes. Humans do tend to want more interaction with their animals than a fish can provide…" Thane turned, walking towards her desk, studying the collection of model ships and her various medals and commendations, the half-finished mission report on a datapad in front of her terminal, and the photograph there….

_Shit. _

"_Siha_?" Thane's voice held a query, but he didn't sound offended or hurt.

She got up and walked over to turn the photograph face-down but he stayed her, one hand closing around her wrist as he faced her.

"_Siha_," he said, releasing her wrist and cupping her face in his hands. "I hold no illusions of my being the first you have cared for. I was not offended; I merely wanted to ask a question. I also understand that this was unexpected for both of us."

She sighed. Much as she didn't _want_ to talk about Liara, Thane had been so brutally honest with her about Irikah that she had to tell him. It was fair and she'd always tried her damnedest to be fair. "Can we sit?"

Thane inclined his head. "Of course."

Settled on the sofa, she propped her booted feet up on the table, her wineglass cradled in her hands. "You've heard tell of the first _Normandy, _right?"

"Yes. It was an Alliance Navy vessel that was destroyed by a Collector attack."

"Back when I was hunting Saren and _Sovereign_ on the first _Normandy_, we rescued an asari from a Prothean archaeological dig." She smiled faintly, remembering Liara's enthusiasm. "Her name was Liara—Liara T'Soni."

Thane tilted his head slightly to one side. "Your Liara T'Soni now operates on Illium, brokering in information."

"Yes. She helped lead me to you, actually."

"Perhaps I should thank her." Thane's eyes were unblinking and he sounded entirely serious.

"Maybe you should," she agreed. "It wasn't easy in those days, Thane. Nobody wanted to believe that the Reapers were a threat, or that Saren and _Sovereign_ could invade the Citadel. Liara and I, we were attracted to each other; we eventually became lovers."

"Indeed. She is lovely, if the photograph is any indication."

"It wasn't just that. I can't explain it, but it was almost like something about her… enchanted me."

"That is actually quite reasonable. Love is complicated."

"Maybe she thought she owed me a debt for rescuing her or she was trying to make up for her mother falling under _Sovereign_'s control, I don't know, exactly. But she stayed aboard the _Normandy, _and we became friends. She was clever and beautiful and…. I knew better, but I couldn't stay away. I loved her."

"You did. It shows in your words, the way you speak of her, _siha_."

She nodded. "No one knew if we'd survive the final battle, just like us against the Collectors. We… needed, Thane. We never made promises but after the battle, we joked about my retirement and a couple of blue-skinned kids. Then… I died. Two years is a long time. She moved on, did what she had to do to survive. I respect that."

"To an asari, two years is not that long a length of time, but in human terms, yes." Thane bent and kissed the crown of her head. "Relationships can change and fade away in that length of time."

"I didn't know how things would've changed between Liara and me, but I didn't expect to go back to the way it was. Though I guess I—I didn't want to let go. Part of me wanted things the way they had been, so I hoped even if I knew it was stupid. But she has her reasons—I might die again, you know?—and she has her life on Illium. It hurt."

"Like a bullet," Thane agreed. "Yes. Letting go of a loved one always hurts."

"Eventually, I realized I had to let her go. She wasn't the same woman I'd fallen in love with—but hell, _I'm_ not the same—and things had changed. And that's about the time we started having our chats." She leaned her head back against the wall behind the sofa. "Liara ensured my body went to Cerberus; she wanted them to bring me back, but she described me as 'her friend.' That's when I knew I had to move on, because she already had."

"_Siha_." Thane brushed his fingers across her cheek as he spoke. "This body will not survive much longer. When I am gone, you could return to your Liara."

She smiled, feeling bitter on the inside. "And have her outlive me? I've seen asari mourning their short-lived bondmates, Thane, and most of those bondmates don't live the life I do. I _can't_ do that to her, I _can't_ leave her behind again. I might have a century left in my life if I'm lucky. A hundred years, probably less. Liara has nine hundred years at least."

"_Siha_, protector, warrior-angel. Perhaps you think of it the wrong way. Asari regard the time they have with their bondmates as something to be treasured—they do not look towards the end. They accept the deaths of their partners, and while they mourn, they have the memories. Very few species with long lifespans have the fixation on their own mortality that humanity does."

Shepard straightened up. "And what about you?"

Thane shrugged. "I have long known that I am dying. I never intended to leave anyone to mourn for me. I would not expect you to stay 'faithful' once I am dead; it would be unkind to you. It would please me to know you would be happy again, that someone else would treasure you as I do."

He kissed her lightly and then drew back, looking at her intently. "Please, siha. If not your Liara, find someone else."

"I promise." The one part of her that hadn't been taken over by military sensibilities and discipline and realism screamed. Growing up on military starships, where everything was orderly and regulated and _made sense_ did that to a person, made them less likely to protest the inevitable. But there was still one little part of her that protested that she could save him, that she wouldn't _have_ to let him go.

"_People _die_, Shepard_," her CO had told her when she was nineteen years old and green as grass, still filled with ideals, still believing she could save the world with an assault rifle on her back. _"Especially Marines. Not everyone can be saved—sometimes, sacrifices have to be made. In a combat situation, you might have to cut your losses and get the hell out. Deal with it or you won't last."_

"_Some things can't be stopped," _her Commander had remarked, after the disaster on Akuze. "_Some things just _happen_, Shepard. For whatever reason—chalk it up to god, if you're the religious type—you got out of there. Remember them and move on_."

"I allowed Irikah's memory to linger too long and it broke me, made so I felt dead inside. I—I cannot allow that to happen to you. Remember me, if you like, but allow yourself to move on. Don't allow my memory to haunt your every waking moment. For me, please."

She kissed him. "I will. I don't know how, but I will."

"Thank you, _siha. _Knowing that puts me at ease, for you deserve far more than I can give you in the time I have left."


End file.
